resakse mate hijau

why do i get jealous?
by Dr. Scott Haltzman

when you first connected with your partner & looked into their eyes, it felt like he or she was the only person in the room. as you get deeper into your relationship & call yourselves a couple, the realization hits you -- you & your partner are not alone on this planet. there are others! are they a threat?

when we are in a committed relationship, we assume the connection we have with each other will be strong enough to fend off outside threats. in some ways, this you-belong-to-me-and-I-belong-to-you mentality is sweet -- it's the stuff of pop songs & poetry. but sometimes the intensity of that connection is too strong.

when one partner sees everyone whom his or her partner comes into contact with as a potential threat, it is a sign that jealousy has taken hold. shakespeare called it the green-eyed monster & once it gets a hold of your relationship, it sinks its teeth in & can rip it apart.

what causes jealousy?

if you've got strong feelings of jealousy, it's probably a sign that you don't have enough trust in your partner that he or she is being faithful to you. that lack of trust may be prompted by one of four factors;

- you may feel insecure about your self-worth. in these cases, either you've been raised to believe, or some part of your inner self feels, that you just don't measure up. because you don't love yourself, you can't believe that others would love you, so you live in fear that your partner's "true" feelings will be revealed & she will leave.

- you're prone to cheating on your partner -- maybe even have done so. Knowing what you're capable of, you project that behavior onto your partner.

- you & your partner haven't yet figured out how to establish safe boundaries within the relationship. having a tight bond is about building walls around your love with windows that allow others to be part of it -- not doors where competing lovers can walk right in & disrupt your home. because you don't know what's permissible within the relationship & what's not, you're constantly on your toes.

- your mate is cheating on you. cheating doesn't have to include sex-- it often has to do with making emotional connections to others outside the relationship. if your partner is sharing things about your private life with attractive members of the opposite sex, it robs a sense of intimacy from your relationship & leaves you feeling vulnerable.

knowing the factors that lead to jealousy is an important first step to getting things fixed. put your focus on building trust. if you've got some growing up to do, therapy may help. both of you have to learn how to set boundaries in the relationship. that requires respecting your mate's definition of limits of outside relationships from the start.

over time, as trust builds, you & your partner can redefine what feels safe for the relationship. after all, when you've got a great relationship, you want to share it with the world.

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6 dating & relationship tips to rid yourself of jealousy
by Caroline Presn

it's the feeling that wells up inside when a date speaks highly of an attractive coworker or when your soul mate seems a little too happy to see an ex at a party -- it's dating jealousy & it can take hold of you so fast & so hard that it leaves you & your relationship destroyed. don't let jealousy take over your life, follow these dating steps toward overcoming the green-eyed monster in you.

1. leave the players & the flirts behind

one of the best ways to overcome jealousy is to not get involved with flirts & players. there are singles out there who will thrive on making you jealous because they like the dating drama & attention. if you're jealous, they know that you are constantly obsessing over them & dwelling on them. by provoking your jealousy, they've just made themselves the center of your universe. instead, be smart -- kick them out of your universe & find a better date.

2. determine if you're jealous in this relationship or every relationship

in order to overcome jealousy, you've got to figure out whether you're being real or being paranoid. normal jealousy can actually serve a purpose. it's there to alert you to a partner's possible infidelity -- a threat to the relationship. is your relationship actually being threatened or is the jealousy in your head only? a good way to figure out if there's a basis to your jealousy is to reflect on your past relationships. are you always jealous even if you haven't had a reason to be? do you have trust issues in every relationship or just this one? also, talk to some friends or family who can be objective about the situation & help you sort out your jealous feelings -- a counselor can also be helpful with this.

3. get confident in dating

the source of a lot of the jealousy has nothing to do with what your date does, it lies within you. if you're upset because your date drools a little when he or she sees a fashion model or celebrity in a magazine, don't start comparing yourself to that image. work on your dating confidence & focus on all you have to offer. then, your envy of others will dramatically decrease.

4. talk it through

learn to communicate your jealous feelings in a healthy way. for instance, let your mate know that you're jealous about the amount of time the attractive coworker gets to spend with him or her. make sure as you're talking, you're not accusing. accusing makes any person defensive, & you won't get anywhere.

5. draw the line

particularly, if you are in a monogamous relationship with someone, you need to establish what behaviors are acceptable to you & what behaviors will bring out the green-eyed monster in you. are you okay with your partner constantly texting a single man -- or single woman? will that send you over the edge? how do you feel about your partner dancing with someone else at a club when you aren't around? establishing reasonable boundaries & respecting them gets both of you on the same playing field. the keyword here is reasonable. setting a boundary like "don't talk to any single men -- or single women -- you work with" is an impossible & smothering line to draw.

6. strengthen your relationship in other ways

if you're overly jealous when there isn't a whole lot of reason to be, it means that your relationship isn't as strong as it should be. you need to evaluate what's lacking. are you not spending enough quality time together? has the passion died down over the years? once you identify what's really concerning you, then you can address it with your partner & work on strengthening the relationship rather than wasting time & energy on empty jealous feelings.

source: Yahoo! Personnal